expat problems: where is home?

in two short months, I'm going to be on my way back to the states for a visit. and the thought of going home brings up all kinds of questions for an expat - namely - is home really still home?

I've been a bit spoiled in my expat experience. last summer I was able to go back to my home country for three whole months after just one year abroad. and after only eight months in Taiwan, I will return to the US for almost another three. [sure I don't make a salary anymore, but this whole blogger/writer thing has its perks.]

last year when I first returned to Michigan, I was overwhelmed with a sense of "I'm home." I had family, friends, my cats, and all the foods I had been missing. but after a week, the novelty wore off and the reverse culture shock set in. I had changed in my time away, and America wasn't quite home anymore. and then the most shocking thing... I began to miss my home in Taiwan.

but Taiwan isn't exactly home either. we know we won't be here forever. international teachers are transient animals, and though we'll return to Taiwan for the school year next fall, there's no plan for what comes next. having an existence that's practically defined as being temporary is hard. it's hard to build lasting friendships when you know someday you'll both leave. it's hard to justify investing in things like mattresses or even decorating your walls.

so where is home? how does that saying go - home is where your heart is? but I've left my heart in so many places.

the older I get and the more places I travel, the longer the list grows. home is Michigan - from metro Detroit to "up north" to East Lansing to the shores of Lake Michigan. but home is also New York. home is Philadelphia. home is Taiwan. heck... home is Railay beach in Thailand. I've been leaving little pieces of my heart everywhere I go.

I was born in Texas, raised in the midwest, spent five years on the east coast after college, and have been an expat in Asia for nearly two. I've been traveling my entire life. a part of me wants a house and a yard and somewhere permanent. to put down roots. I think if we settled down somewhere for long enough it could feel like home... or maybe we'd just feel restless.

[I know this isn't what my mom wants to hear.]

the struggle between wanting a place to call home and still wanting to see the world, is the hardest thing I've encountered as an expat. trying to balance the things that you want with the things that you miss is damned difficult. I worry that giving up this life would feel like just that - giving up. that it would be a waste of an opportunity. but I also worry that my other option is to be searching for home all my life.

is this just a side effect of being an expat? or does everyone with wanderlust in their heart suffer from the same affliction?

but maybe there's a third choice. if I've been scattering pieces of my heart like breadcrumbs everywhere I go, maybe it's not to lead me to this mythical place called home. maybe I've been planting seeds everywhere. putting roots down all over the globe.

maybe, if home is everywhere, I can be at home wherever I go.

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today I'm co-hosting the expat diaries linkup with Chelsea and Rachel. if you're an expat or traveler too, you can linkup below to share your stories.

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some days I hate Taiwan

let's get real. being an expat isn't all sunshine + rainbows. not every day is an exciting adventure, or even enjoyable. [in fact - despite all the rain we get, I have not ever once seen a rainbow here.]

the truth is: some days I hate Taiwan.

days when people stare at me open-mouthed, like I'm some kind of wild blonde animal that has escaped from the zoo. days when little kids point at me and laugh, and their parents do nothing. days when teenagers yell "mei guo ren" [American] at me as I walk by.

days when people - of all ages - stop and ask to take a picture with me. days when grown women think it's ok to pick up and inspect the items I am buying, right off the checkout belt. days when someone bumps me into a store shelf and I narrowly save the glass bottle of ketchup from shattering, and instead of apologizing... they laugh.

but then there are days like today. when a little boy smiles at me and tries to have a conversation with me, like I'm a real person. when his mother apologizes, even though there's no need to. when he excitedly chatters at me and shows me the game he is playing on his mom's phone. and even when I smile back and say "guitar" and I know he doesn't understand, he claps and giggles like he does.

there are days that it starts raining when I'm in the middle of running errands and am most definitely not wearing anything waterproof. so I arrive back to the apartment drenched and my boot slips on the kickstand and the entire scooter and box of groceries tips over. while the scooter is still running.

but then a random stranger who speaks no English stops to help pick up the groceries, right the scooter, and even offers to cary the soggy box upstairs [since it's pretty much just folding in half at this point.]

there are days that your washing machine decides to quit mid-cycle and start beeping at you, while it leaks all over your laundry room. and no matter which button you push [they're all in Chinese of course] nothing seems to happen.

but when you call to ask for help, you're told that they won't fix it... the entire machine will be replaced. this weekend.

there are days in Taiwan where I feel helpless, even hopeless. those are the days I visit six different grocery stores in hopes of finding an onion that is neither moldy nor mushy... and I fail. the days where I feel so homesick I start looking at real estate in Michigan, the days I would kill to have a real oven or a dryer or - please! - a dishwasher, the days that I want to pull my hair out because between the humidity and my helmet what's the point of having hair anyway?

and then there are the days [like today] where despite all that you find a way to make it work.

it's true that more often here than before I have days that seem incredible, grand, and wondrous. but in between the highs and the lows there's mostly just... life. and that's what I hope to share with you on this rainy tuesday.

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